The English Language on Mars Will Sound a Little Different
Why on Earth would it change?
As long-time inhabitants of our dear planet, we’ve evolved a long way from beating our chests, stomping our feet, grunting and uttering other noises. Between the era of striking stones to light tinder to now swiping left and right on Tinder, we’ve developed our human languages often involving references to Mother Earth.
As citizens of the Earth, our languages, our beliefs, our practices, our sports and entertainment, our laws, our marketing, our arts and so much else are all, unsurprisingly, very Earth-centric.
Let’s assume that English as a global Earth language, and the standard for commercial aviation, is exported to and becomes the lingua franca of Mars. The first generation of “immigrants” may not even notice the very “earthy” undertones of English.
However, the native population born (or incubated? cloned? spawned?) on Mars would no longer have direct ties to Earth and its very foreign tongue. Their Martian dialect will naturally evolve, and:
- Schools and offices will practice marsquake drills.
- Young Martian men would declare their love claiming to go to the ends of Mars for their beloved. Given the logistics involved, maybe they should keep going to the ends of the Earth? That would be much more swoon-worthy. Or they would promise to move heaven and Earth and Mars.
- Who wouldn’t want to find someone stable and very down to Mars?
- After terraforming and rehydrating Jezera Crater, it becomes a popular spot for weekend fishing; just gotta go find some marsworms first.
- Descendants of The Penguins will form a revival band. Their hit song? Mars Angel, Mars Angel, will you be mine…?
- Speaking of bands and music, everyone will be unable to keep from grooving to Uptown Funk by local popstar Bruno Earth
- John Gray, still living on Earth, would get dropped by his publisher for his very insensitive book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
- Dreamers would seek all the marsly pleasures on God’s red Mars.
- Disneyland Mars would trademark “The Happiest Place on Mars”. They should just claim happiness in the whole Milky Way and be done with it on both planets.
- Sure, the meek inherited the earth…and stayed there. The bold inherited Mars.
- Unlike the World Series, the Miss Universe pageant would be even more prestigious.
In other news, technology companies would have to up their game:
- Amazon Prime would still offer two-day shipping from Earth via Blue Origin. Monthly delivery of mouthwash via Subscribe and Save? Totally worth it.
- Twitter on Earth would allow really, really remote workers to work from their Martian homes, since Earth would be in the throes of the Covid-2119 pandemic. The time difference between the two planets would be a bitch, though.
- Of course, President Elon Musk will still be able to use his still-appropriate Samsung Galaxy devices. That’s not really mars-shattering news.
What, you don’t believe any of the above could happen? What on Mars is wrong with you?!
PS: The all-star football team, the Mars Rovers will go head to head against the Earth Movers for interplanetary supremacy.
